I
have always been the health-conscious type. I go for morning jogs.
I watch what I eat. I believe that prevention is better than cure.
So, I hope you can understand my shock when the doctor looked at me
and said those words that destroyed my world.
“You have terminal
brain cancer.”
I just sat there. Watching her face. Waiting
for her to break into a laugh. And tell me this is some sick joke.
But she doesn't.
“It's in its final stages. Have you been
sleeping a lot lately? Feeling fatigued?” she asks. She writes
down something in her pad.
“Yea... yeah.” I say.
“The
seizure was a result of the cancer.” she says after a pause. Her
eyes glued to her pad. A frown on her face.
“So, how do we
treat it? An operation?” I ask after an uneasy silence.
“It
cant be treated. That's what 'terminal' means,” she says almost as
if she was mocking me. She is looking back at her pad now. I am
balling up my fists and trying to control myself.
“How...
how long do I have?”
“I guess another 3-4 months.” she says
getting up. The way she said those words, as if they didn't mean
anything. But this cant be right. How can my life to and end so
soon? I always imagined myself growing old, playing with my
grandchildren, taking them to school, being there to.... I felt a
hard nudge on my shoulder. Its her, the doctor. She is now handing
me a prescription, and as soon as I take it, she walks away. (Later,
I would do some online research and find out that she had prescribed
me an anti-seizure medication along with a steroid.) Sitting there,
I feel like I have lots of questions to ask her, starting with if
this was all for real, but she was already gone.
My
colleague who brought me to the hospital after I had the seizure in
my office is waiting outside. I tell him it was nothing. I tell him
the doctor said it was just a fever. That the doctor told me to take
rest and I will be fine.
I
go home and sit in front of the TV for 2 hours. I am supposed to be
watching a rerun of my favorite show. But I can't enjoy it anymore.
Its as if I have become a zombie. I dont really understand what is
happening. I lie down on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. The TV
keeps playing. Ignored.
The door opens and in walks my wife.
She is taken aback to see me as much as I was to see her.
“Early??”
she exclaims. Then a smile spreads on her face and says,
“Oh
no! Did I ruin the surprise?? Were you planning on something?”
I
sit up. Confused. What is she talking about?? Then it hit me. Its
her birthday today!
“My manager let me have the rest of the day
off!” she says jumping beside me and kissing me. I am raking my
brain thinking of something to say. I have the intense urge not to
ruin her birthday with the news. Not yet.
“Lets go hang out.”
I say.
“Okay....” she says. Looking at me a bit confused. I
can understand. I am not a guy who “hangs out.” Unlike her, I
hate hanging out. She has to nag me for days before I give in and go
out with her.
An hour later, we are sitting in an ice cream
shop at a mall. My wife, Ananya, is chatting away something about
her colleague. I am nodding and smiling. But I feel my chest hurt.
My skin feels as if its soggy with sweat. Has she noticed anything
wrong with me? What if I go into a seizure right now?? Am I going
to ruin her birthday?
Her
phone buzzes. She picks it up. Its a message from Aadi, her
brother. Confirming our dinner in another 2 hours.
Two
hours later, we are seated in this posh restaurant. Aadi and his
wife on the other side. Anish, their son, on my wife's lap. She
plays with him. Feeds him one of her roti. I try to concentrate on
the conversation.
“Any news on the adoption?” says Aadi.
Ananya looks up. She smiles, but I can see a hint of pain on her
face. We had been married for almost a decade, but we cannot have
kids. There's something that breaks in a woman when she realizes
that she can never be a mother.
“We are getting the documents
done.” she said.
After dinner, we bid goodbye and are on our
way home. I tell her I am too tired to drive, so she does.
“Remember
Diya?” she says. I look at her pretending to be half asleep.
“The
cutey we saw at the orphanage.” she says, her face lighting
up.
“Ya.. ya!” I say.
“What do you think about her?”
I
look out the window. Is this a good time to tell her my days are
numbered?
“She's... she's very cute.” I find myself telling
her. Ananya smiles. Places a hand on my thigh.
At home, we
are in bed. I can't keep this to myself any longer. Ananya is lying
next to me. With her hand across my chest. A smile on her face.
“I
have brain cancer.” I say looking at the ceiling. My voice
breaking. I wait. In my peripheral vision, I see her head cock
up.
“Doctor said I might only live for another couple of
months.” Her arm slowly slides away. Silence.
My phone
vibrates on the table next to the bed. I habitually pick it up. An
unknown number. I attend the call. A familiar voice. Its the
doctor who saw me today.
“Hi, Mr. Joshi?”
“Yes!” I
know whats going to happen next. She is going to apologize. Tell me
it was all a huge mistake. Someone switched the results. There's
nothing wrong with me. But instead, all she says is,
“I would
like you to meet an associate of mine who thinks he can help you.
Can you come over tomorrow at around 11 a.m. to my office?”
“Ye..
yes” I say.
“See you then, Mr. Joshi.”
I
put the phone back on the table. Turn back. Ananya is sitting on
the edge of the bed on the other side. I hear her sniff. I move
closer to her and hug her from behind. She cries.
“We
need to get a second opinion. Doctors are humans too! This must be
a mistake. It has to be, right?” she says later. I agree that we
will visit another doctor tomorrow.
Next day, we headed to the
hospital I was in yesterday. Our plan is to visit another doctor
after we are done here and get a second opinion.
The
attender leads us right into 'Dr. Suma's office' saying they were
waiting for us.
In the office was the doctor who saw me
yesterday. But she seemed different. She was smiling. Cheery.
That strangely made my spirits lift up. Behind her, a man, dressed
in formal attire, was looking at some books on a shelf. He turned
around as we entered and looked at us with a warm smile.
“Please
sit down, Mr. Joshi” Dr. Suma said with a warm smile. She then
introduced us to the man. Dr. James. Some kind of a neurosurgeon.
“I
am more into research, Mr. Joshi, and I have been working on
something new. A new type of treatment.”
I
look at Ananya. She looks back at me. Blank.
“I
have been on a search for the right candidates. And Dr. Suma here
brought your case to my attention.” Dr. James said.
“As
you can figure it out, its not a 100%, but its not like you are going
to lose anything. You have may be 3 months left anyway.” Dr. Suma
says with a broad smile. She looks as if she is about to break into
laughter. I think shes in the wrong profession. Dr. James visibly
sighs and says,
“What Dr. Suma here is trying to say is this
procedure could save your life.”
“We need a second opinion!”
Ananya suddenly said. She looks pissed. I realized her hand was
squeezing mine.
“Of course, of course!” Dr. James says fishing
for something in his pocket and producing a business card.
“When
you are ready...... if! If unfortunately you still need my help, you
can make an appointment with my office.”
I take the card.
Dr.
James Paulose, Managing Director
Indian Institute for Research in
Neurosciences (IIRN)
Dr.
Suma suggested we follow with a doctor at St. Vincent Hospital, but
Ananya drove us to a different hospital. After an afternoon of
various tests, including an EEG, the result had come back. The
doctor had given us the same diagnosis. This doctor said I might
live for another 6 months. “May be less.” she had added.
We
drove home. I sit in front of the TV while Ananya is in the kitchen
cooking dinner. At least that's what she told me. I could hear her
sniff.
I
fish out Dr. James' card from my wallet. I sit there staring at the
turned off TV. Ananya comes over and sits beside me. I look at her
and then at the card and back at her again. Questioning. She sighs.
***
Dr.
James told me to drop in anytime the next day. I fed the address
into my car's GPS. It felt weird because I had never heard of this
institute. And it was right next to ISRO, the Indian Space Research
Organization.
Upon
reaching there, we realized that IIRN is a building that is behind
ISRO. As if it is trying to hide behind the giant that ISRO is.
Almost as if it wanted to stay away from the prying public eyes.
Ananya
drives the car into the parking lot. It is empty except for a very
few other cars parked at random places. But all the paint looked
bright and fresh. I am now sure this is a new establishment.
We
walk towards the entrance. Ananya would look at me from time to
time. I guess she is feeling something weird about the place too. I
try to give her a comforting look.
We
walk into the waiting room. A pretty girl sits behind the desk.
I
enquire about Dr. James. She asks for our names. Asks us to go down
the corridor and into the last office. Dr. James will join us there
in a few minutes.
We
wait in his office. Its spacious and filled with lots of books and
files. Dr. James walks in a few moments later carrying some papers.
He looked exhausted, but a smile spread over his face when he noticed
us.
“So,
have you decided to go ahead with this?” he says making himself
comfortable in his chair.
“Yes.”
I say after a pause. I suddenly notice that Ananya's hand is on
mine, squeezing.
“Ok.
There are of course risks you need to be aware of.” he says. He
opens one of the folders on the table beside his monitor, pulls out a
few pages and pushes them towards us.
“The
procedure is noninvasive. Meaning we are not going to cut or drill
into your skull. The cancer cells are going to be killed using a new
technology that employs a precise laser.”
“Is there a chance
that it might make it worse??” Ananya says looking at the papers.
Shes just skimming through. I tried to look at it. Its filled with
huge medical words that I have no idea whatsoever. I am sure neither
does Ananya. But she seems to be doing a good job pretending like
she does.
“As
far as the spread of cancer is concerned, no. If the cancer is still
present after the treatment, then we consider the procedure as a
failure, at least in that specific patient's case. But in the worst
case scenario, it prolongs your life. And we can always redo the
procedure targeting the cells that we missed the first time.” Dr.
James put in.
“Will this be covered by our insurance?” I
said.
“Oh! You dont have to worry about the money! Its all
funded! You wont have to spend a rupee!” he said with a chuckle.
I
look at Ananya with a smile. She smiles back. But her eyes were
moist.
“Other
risks include memory loss. Like you might not remember certain
events. Eh... seizures. You might be left with a lifetime of
seizures. And a lot of the other risks and side effects that you can
expect from a brain procedure. They are listed in the consent form”
he said motioning towards the papers Ananya was holding. Then added,
“Seriously, a lot of them are just there to cover us legally in
case they happen. The chances are miniscule. Especially in your
case. I have gone over the studies done on you at the hospital. You
should be a low risk for this procedure.”
Ananya reached the
last page where there were dotted signature lines. Dr. James left us
for sometime to think everything over. As callused as Dr. Suma was,
she was right. This might be our best shot. We signed the consent
form.
“The next available slot is 3 days from now. If you
chose to, we can do it then. The entire procedure will take 3 days.
During the time, you will be in and out of anesthesia. Then, we will
keep you for observation for a few days. You wont be allowed to
leave the facility or meet anyone until you are discharged.” said
Dr. James. Ananya looked worried.
“But safe to say, your
husband is under the care of the best in the field. We will update
you on his progress, and once he's stable, you can talk to him over
the phone.” he said to Ananya.
On
our way home, we drive quiet.
“At least Suma isn't there! I dont
trust her a bit!” said Ananya.
***
Three
days later, I am standing with Ananya in a room. Dr. James gives us
a few minutes alone to say our goodbyes. I hug Ananya. She is
crying. I tell her its just a week. A week in return for the rest
of the my life. Our life.
After
about 10 minutes, she is about to leave. Dr. James promises to call
and update her everyday.
I
am required to shower and get into a hospital gown. I am taken to a
room that looks like an ordinary operating theater I have seen on TV.
Dr. James tells me this is just the anesthesia room. Once I am
under, I will be taken to the room where the procedure actually takes
place. A nurse is asking me to count back from 10. Things go
groggy, but the last thing Ananya told me is still echoing in my
ears.
“I will begin working on those adoption papers while I
wait for your call.”
***
I
open my eyes. I am in a small room. The wall on my immediate left
has a bluish glow to it. I realize my entire body is covered in what
seems like Vaseline. I realize I am naked. I am lying inside what
looks like a bath tub. I sit up. It feels weird. Like something is
wrong with my body. Like its stiff. As if I had been sleeping here
for years.
I
look around the tiny room. A lot of strange equipment with tiny
screens running strange strings of numbers. At times, there is a
beep. I turn around and notice what looks like the outline of a
door. I stand up giddily and step out of the 'tub.' I look around
for something to wipe this stuff off of me. May be some clothes to
wear, but there is nothing around except metal and plastic. I am
suddenly aware of something on my arm. It looks like a small screen,
but its fused with my skin. I can't pull it out. Its like its a
part of my body.
Undecided I walk towards the door.
Everything is so clean and white. I feel ashamed of the Vaseline
like substance leaving a trail behind me on the clean floor as I
walk. I reach near the door. There is a loud noise and the door
opens. I see what looks like a small chamber on the other side. I
look around this room for may be another door, but there isn't. I
step into this little chamber, and as soon as I am inside, the door
closes behind me. There is a loud noise as though compressed air is
being released into this little chamber. Another noise and another
door on the opposite end opens out wide. I see sand. Lots of it.
Like a desert.
Unsure,
I gingerly walk out. My legs seemed to be weak. How long was I
lying down there?? Stepping out onto the mud, my feet sunk almost up
to my knee. I struggle to take steps. As far as I can see, its
sand. Mountains of sand far away. Where the fuck am I??
The
sun is hot just like you would expect in a desert, but then something
weird happens. My skin begins to burn as if it was reacting with
something in the air and the sun. I look at the sun, and then my eye
begins to burn. But it was only happening with my right eye. I felt
as if the inside of my right eye was boiling. I shut my eyes in
pain. Then when I opened them, I could only see out of my left eye.
I brought my hand in front of my right eye. I cannot see. My right
eye was gone. I felt something strange about my left eye. Its
bulging as if I had an extra thick glass fixed on my freaking
eyeball. It seems to be a part of my eye. As if I was born with it.
Something falls on the ground. Its a red goo. Its my skin and
flesh peeling off of me. I begin to feel weak and fall down on the
hot sand. Then I lose consciousness.
***
“My
fucking leg!!”
I open my eyes with a start. I turn to look who
it was. I find myself lying on a bed. The noise was made by a young
lady on another bed to my right. She looked at me with an irritated
look on her face. She is pulling her right knee towards her chest.
A nurse rushed to her and started palpating her leg and
asking her what was wrong.
“Its all tingly and shit! I can't
feel anything!” she says.
The nurse sighs. And walks back to
her seat by the door.
The girl makes a grimace and begin to bend
and extend her leg as if she was kicking something invisible in the
air.
I
felt my head. I could feel hair. I tried to feel deeper to feel my
skin expecting to find stitches, but there were none.
I heard
some strange noise. I turned to the other side with a start. A
young man lay in the bed with his head bent in an awkward position.
His eyes pointed at me. He is drooling from his mouth.
“Are......
“ he points at me awkwardly, “alwight?”
“Ye.. yeah.” I
say. I sit up on the bed and look around the room. The nurse near
the door gives me an uninterested look and goes back to the paperback
that she was reading.
There
are only the 3 beds in the room. Curtains to separate the beds, and
some windows behind us.
“How long have I been here?” I ask. I
look towards the young man to my left. He is now looking at the
ceiling. His hands up. His fingers bent strangely. He starts making
strange noises.
“He started doing that from the past few days.”
I heard the lady to my right say. I look at her. Behind her, the
nurse looks up at us with a frown, but only for a moment.
“Where
are we?” I ask her.
“This is like where they keep us to
observe and shit. I had that surgery or whatever for my cancer, and
I have been here for like 5 weeks now!” she then turns to the nurse
and shouts, “When are they gonna lemme go??!”
The
nurse ignores us. Keeps on reading pretending not to have heard her.
Five
weeks?? May be she had a severe form of brain cancer.
“5
weeks is a long time. Are you better now? I mean.. the cancer, is
it gone?”
“I think they missed it!” she said. She said it
louder than her usual tone. Then she peeked a look at the nurse.
“What?”
I say.
“Its
worse than before! Shits all fucked up. I feel tired all the fucking
time. And the seizures. Dont get me started on them. They come
like every fucking day!”
I sit there stunned. Did the procedure
fail? Dr. James told me that the worst case scenario was a slowing
down of the cancer, but from what she was saying, it seemed like her
cancer just got worse.
“But wait...” I found myself saying and
getting up to look outside the window behind our bed, and as soon as
the light hit my eyes, I felt something wrong with my body. My legs
gave away and I found myself thrashing on the floor with saliva
drooling from my mouth. The young lady, whose name I would later
find out was Soniya, or Soni as she liked it, was shouting,
“Seizure
alert! Seizure alert!”
The nurse runs toward me.
***
I
wake up. I am back in my bed. The man to my left, who Soni will
later tell me is 'Gee,' is groaning. I try to sit up, but my head
feels heavy. I feel as though my skull has shrunk to half its size
and is squeezing my brain. I feel as though something warm, like
blood, is oozing from my nose. But when I feel there and look at my
finger, there's nothing. I am imagining things. Must be a side
effect of the procedure. Soni is humming some song. I turn to look
at her. She continues to hum and looks at me with an expressionless
face.
“I want to have a word with Dr. James.” I say to the
nurse. She looks up for a moment, then looks back down at her
paperback and says,
“He's on vacation. Will be back in a couple
of days.”
“So, Dr. James is the one who got you into this
fucking mess too, huh??” Soni says.
“Did you meet him?” I
say.
“Never
seen him in the 5 weeks I have been here. Whenever I ask for him,
hes always away on some fucking vacation!”
I can feel my heart
start to pound. What have I gotten myself into.
“Hey, I need to
talk to my wife” I say towards the nurse.
Soni
looks at the nurse who is ignoring us and she tells me,
“Its no
use. They are all fucked up. Including Doctor fucking James. I
have been asking these fucktwads to let me call my parents, but they
wont.”
“What??
How can they just....”
“Damn
fuckers!”
I
sigh. “May be you should try asking them a bit more … you know,
nice.”
She
stares at me for a few seconds. Then says, “Fuck you!” and lies
down and starts to hum again.
***
Soni
would later tell me she was an only child. They were financially in
a very bad state. Her parents managed to get her a good education.
She got a job and tried to give them a better life. Then, she
started having the symptoms. She ignored them at first. Thought
they were just from stress from working too hard. She didn't go to a
doctor, because in her family, they never went to a doctor unless it
was really really bad. Living in poverty and without insurance had
ingrained this habit in her. When, finally, at the behest of her
friends, she did go to a doctor, they told her she had waited too
long. The cancer had spread too far. Then, just like it had
happened with me, her doctor had introduced Dr. James to her. A
chance at survival. At worst, it would make her better and give her
more time. And 5 weeks later, she was still under 'observation.'
And her symptoms were only getting worse.
***
Around
afternoon, there is a knock on our room's door. The nurse opens the
door and some guys wearing white uniforms with a round blue symbol of
some sort on their breast pockets walk in. They push in a stretcher
and transfer Gee onto it. I am sitting there watching them.
Wondering.
“Oh
my fucking arm!!!” Soni screams. Everybody looks at her. The
nurse looks at her distastefully and says,
“Theres nothing wrong
with your arm! You fell asleep on it!”
Soni sits up, wringing
her arm around. I find myself smiling, amused. The men in the white
uniform now push the stretcher with Gee on it out of the room. Soni
is still wringing her arm. She looks at me, annoyed. I realize I am
still stupidly smiling. I quickly look away.
“Its crazy but
after sometime you start 'looking' for the symptoms. And I guess
after sometime your fucked up brain starts making them up.”
I
turn to her. The nurse closes the door and sits near the door, picks
up her paperback.
“Where are they taking him?” I say to Soni.
“Daily
routine tests. Once they are done with him, they will come back for
us.”
Sure enough, they came back. I didn't need the stretcher.
I stood up, though a bit giddy. After a few seconds, I just followed
them. Out the room and through some corridors and into a room. The
room had an MRI machine. A wall of the room had a large window of
plain glass. 2 men stood on the other side wearing white coats,
watching us, and writing things down on pads. After the MRI, I was
taken to the next room for an EEG.
After about an hour of tests, I
was brought back, and then it was Soni's turn.
This was going
to be my routine. After few days, I had gotten used to it. I would
ask the nurse and the guys in the white uniform for Dr. James or if I
can just call my wife, but they always had some excuses. “Hes away
on a vacation.” “Hes busy with a conference.” Or that I just
needed to be patient for a few more days, and I would get to go home.
The
worst part were the seizures. I had only experienced one before I
got here, but since the procedure I seemed to be having them on a
daily basis. Sometimes more than once. I have gotten so used to
them, now I know when they are about to come on. I get this strange
feeling before I get them. Its weird.
Then,
on the 5th day of my stay, I saw her.
It
being a Saturday, the guys wanted to finish the testings quickly. So
they put Gee on a stretcher and asked that I and Soni follow along.
Soni told me they did this on weekends, so that they can go home
early.
So,
while I and Soni waited outside a testing room, I took a walk down
the corridor. I turn around and look at Soni who looks at me with a
blank expression and keeps humming her song, or whatever it is.
Sometimes I feel she is just humming to irritate the nurse and there
was no rhythm to it.
I pass by a couple of doors and come
across a glass door which leads into a corridor. At the very end of
the corridor is the reception area that I and Ananya had walked in
the first day. And, as I look, I see Ananya sitting in the reception
area. I stand there stunned. Sitting beside her is someone who
looked like Gee. His brother.
“Ananya!” I shout, but between
when I stand and her are many glass doors. It doesn't look like she
heard me. I shout again. She just sits there, staring at the floor.
Then, she suddenly looks up and talks to someone I can't see. I
hear hurried footsteps behind me. I am about to open the glass door
when the person she is talking to comes into view. Its Dr. James.
Someone hurriedly pulls me back. I shout. I struggle. I feel a
pinch behind my neck, and my vision goes dark.
***
I
wake up feeling groggy. Ananya!! I feel an instant rush and I jump
on my bed. I am back in the room. The nurse drops her paperback and
grabs a syringe and a bottle of what I think is a sedative. I see
that and stop. I sit on the edge of the bed and try to look calm.
The nurse stops. Goes back to her seat.
“What
happened out there?” Soni asks.
“I
saw Ananya.. my wife. She was out there. Probably came to visit me.
Guess they didnt let her in.” I say. Soni swears under her
breath.
“And
guess what,” I continued, “I saw Dr. James! He was right fucking
there!” I shouted louder at the nurse.
“What??!” says Soni,
then turns to the nurse, saying, “I want to talk to that son of a
bitch!”
Gee
is groaning in the background. The noise seems to have woken him up.
I remembered about his brother.
“Gee! I saw your brother too!”
I say excited.
Gee continued groaning and trying to grab at
something in the air.
“Dr. James is on vacation.” the nurse
says in a monotonous voice.
“Yeah
right!” I say at the nurse and catch myself rolling my eyes,
something I have seen Soni do on many occasions. Shit.
***
Everyday,
its the same routine. After waking up, I would sit around till the
breakfast came in. The same food everyday. A lump of tasteless
substance and some tea. And by 11 a.m., the guys in the uniform
would come in and take Gee away for the daily tests. They always
brought a stretcher to take him away. I had never seem him walk. Or
even sit. Soni told me he was better when she saw him 5 weeks ago.
That as time went on, he started having more and more seizures. And
then one day, it was like something broke inside him.
“What
do you think went wrong with him?” I say to Soni.
“Dunno.
I guess his cancer was very severe to begin with. May be the
procedure couldn't save him.” she said, lying on her bed, staring
at the ceiling.
Then
I remembered what Dr. James had told me. For sometime immediately
after the procedure, the symptoms could get worse. It would flare up
before eventually subsiding and vanishing completely. I looked at
where Gee's empty bed lay and wondered if tomorrow Gee would just
wake up in the morning feeling his old normal self and go back to his
family as a completely healthy man.
When
I look back at Soni, she is now lying on her side with her back to
me. I decided not to bother her.
After
about an hour, the men in uniform come in with Gee on the stretcher.
They unload him onto his bed and ask me to go with them. The
routine. Everyday. The same fucking thing.
The
only thing I have noticed to change since the time I have been here
is that my seizures were getting worse. Now, I had at least 2 of
them everyday. Some days, 3. I get this strange feeling before they
happen. An uneasy feeling coursing through my body. I feel like I
am about to throw up. Sometimes I see lights in my vision. Then it
would happen. Nowadays, I just lie down when it is about to happen.
The
only other thing to change was the nurse's paperback novels, a new
one every couple of days.
Then,
something happened. Something I didn't plan on doing, but it just
happened.
It
was time for the tests, and they took me into the room with the MRI.
I looked at the glass window on the wall. The usual 2 men in white
coats on the other side were absent. May be on a break. This time
only 1 guy was with me in the room. He was helping me get onto the
MRI machine. I sat on it. The guy started punching in something
into the machine, getting it ready. A stainless steel table stood
next to him with trays of medical equipment on them. I grabbed one
of the trays. The little vials and syringes that were on it fell to
the floor. The man in the uniform turned around, stunned by the
noise. The tray felt pretty strong and stiff. I grabbed hold of it
with both my hands and rammed its edge into his throat. He stumbled
back grabbing his throat with both his hands and then hit himself
against the machine and slumped to the ground. He started choking
and coughing. I made a fist and punched him right across his temple,
and his hands dropped to his sides, limp. Was he dead? I had no
idea.
For a moment, I just stood there looking at my hand and
the tray. What the hell have I done?? These people were trying to
help me, and I might have just killed one of them! At that moment,
all the frustration that had been piling up inside me for days had
suddenly vanished. I turned around and looked at the glass window
expecting to see the guys in the white coat looking all shocked. May
be sounding an alarm. May be calling the security. But luckily no
sign of them. The only noise were of the buzzing of electronic
equipments and a faint rhythmic beep from somewhere in the room.
I
quickly got down on my knees and started unbuttoning the guy's shirt.
***
A
few minutes later, I was walking out of the test room. Dressed in
the guy's uniform. I had propped his unconscious body up into the
machine and pushed him a bit into the machine. May be this will get
me some time in case the guys in the white coats came back. May be
it will make them think its me inside the machine.
I
had no idea how I was going to get out of here. I walked quickly
through many corridors. Door after door. I slowed my pace when I saw
2 guys in uniform walk towards me. Did they find out I am on the
loose. I kept looking down at the floor, but not too much, I didn't
want to seem suspicious, in case they haven't already recognized me.
As they got closer, I heard them talk about cricket. Arguing. They
walked right past me. I picked up my pace again.
I ran into a
familiar looking corridor. To be fair, I felt every corridor was
more or less the same. I hate places like this where everything is a
copy of everything. The rooms, corridors. All same. Makes you feel
like you are going in an endless loop.
I
stopped. I took a few paces back. And there, I could see it. Far
away, beyond multiple glass doors was the reception area. I blindly
pushed open the glass door in front of me and began to walk ahead.
And then I almost fell back on the floor when I realized something.
Right next to me was a room with “Dr. James Paulose” written on
it, and the door was partially open.
***
My
first instinct was to walk past the door really quickly and hope he
didn't see me. I steadied myself and walked ahead and then I did
something stupid. I looked into the room as I passed it. The
partially open door gave me a quick glance into the office where I
had sat with Ananya just a week ago. Ananya! I wonder what they told
her to keep her away for this long. May be Dr. James was trying to
help me. May be he didn't want her to see me when I am not yet
better. May be a week from now, I will be better and then he will
let her visit me. I found myself standing near the door, mulling
over my thoughts. I shook myself out of it. What the hell was I
doing?? I should stop thinking and just get out of here! But wait,
I didn't see Dr. James in his office. I turned around and moved
towards the door. I realized I might be about to do something
stupid. I should just turn around and make a run for it. But I
found myself slowly peeking into the room. Defintely, no sign of Dr.
James.
I
stepped in and closed the door shut. There were shelves of books
around. And a computer monitor on his table. I rushed to it and
pressed a random key to bring it up to life. It did, but was
password protected. I turned around and noticed some lockers near
the wall. I tried them. They weren't locked. They were filled with
syringes and bandages. One of the lower lockers had a set of casual
clothes. I wondered whether I should ditch the uniform. Will I
attract attention if I wore them and go outside. I decided to
change. As I was undressing myself, I felt something solid and heavy
in the uniform's trouser pocket. It was the guy's employee card. I
changed and made sure to take the employee card with me.
I
walked past many more offices. Most of them had their door closed.
I noticed that some of them had people in them, but they were too
consumed in their work, they didn't notice me. The final glass door
that separated me from the reception area wouldn't budge. I quickly
grabbed the employee card and flashed it at the tiny black scanner on
the wall near the door and the door opened with a loud beep, and as I
walked out, someone called my name.
***
It
was a feminine voice. I turned around. It was the girl behind the
reception table. Was she the one I had met the first time I came
here? I frankly couldn't remember. Dr. James had told me I would
lose bits of my memory.
“Did you have an appointment today?”
she asked with a wide smile.
“Ye.. yeah.” I blurted out.
“Oh!
Where's Ananya?” she said looking towards the sofa and then
trailing outside to look beyond the huge main glass doors.
“She....
em... had to visit her parents... her mom.... she fell down some
steps. Fractured her foot!” Shit! I need to stay calm.
“Oh!”
she said looking worried. Then it hit me. May be shes stalling me.
Probably they found the guy in the MRI. They are onto me. Guess
they alerted her and she is trying to keep me here till the security
guys or whoever came here and took me back to the room. I turned
around and walked to the door.
“Bye
Mr. Joshi. Tell Ananya I said hi!” the receptionist called out
from behind me. I ignored her and walked out the main door. With a
quick pace I walked down the empty space between the front door and
the big main gate entrance. A security guy stood near the main gate.
Shit! He looked at me, scowling. I tried to keep my head down.
Avoided any eye contact. When I looked up at him again, he was
smiling. What the hell! I had never seen him before in my life! I
forced a smile. I kept walking. Once I was outside the gate, I ran.
***
My
house was at least 6 km away. I considered getting on the public
transport, but then remembered I had no money. It must be noon
because it was awfully hot. I was sweating profusely. I started
seeing specks of color in my vision. No! Not now! I walked to a
tree on the side of the street and sat down with my back against it.
And waited for the seizure to happen. But nothing. Vehicles passed
by on the road in front of me. After a few minutes, I forced myself
to get up and continue walking. Suddenly, I heard a skidding noise.
I turned to see a bike had pulled up beside me. He pulled his
helmet's visor up.
“Need
any help?” he said.
“Can you give me a lift?” I said, my
voice quivering.
Ten
minutes later, I was on the street next to my house. I thanked the
man on the bike and started walking towards my house. A car drove
past me at a very conservative speed. As if it was being driven by a
very old man. It stopped before my house. I stopped. Was it the
men from the facility? I hid behind a wall and watched.
The
door of the car opened and out came a nun. She was followed by a
little girl who jumped out of the car. It was Diya. I had an urge
to just walk and join them. But what if Ananya hadn't yet told them
about my brain cancer, and what if I ended up having a seizure right
in front of them? That will obviously affect the adoption process.
I
heard the front door of my house open. Ananya stepped out, with a
wide inviting smile on her face. Diya ran to her, and she picked her
up. I realized I was standing with a smile looking at the entire
scene. Then, someone walked out from behind Ananya. Ananya turned
to him still smiling. Diya hugged him, still laughing. I rubbed my
eyes in shock. Because the guy looked like me. Not just like me,
but exactly like me!
***
This
guy who looks like me, puts his arm around Ananya and pulls her and
Diya closer to him. And they all look so happy.
What the hell
was going on??
I
realized the guy was looking right at me. He looks stunned.
Confused. A prominent frown appears on his face. Guess he didn't
expect me to show up and ruin his scam. Or whatever this was.
A
white minivan races from the other side of the road and screeches to
a stop in front of the house beside the orphanage's car. He gets
distracted by it. The door of the van slides open and a couple of
guys get out. Some of them wearing the white uniform of IIRN. I
duck behind the wall.
Shit! He has seen me. Of course hes
going to point me out to them. I peek again. The guy looks
concerned. He talks to the men in hushed noises, then turns back
towards Ananya and the others and says, “I will be right back.”
He gets into the van with them. The van takes a U-turn and
vanishes.
I
look at Ananya and the orphanage people. Ananya is smiling, but the
worry is palpable. She says something to the orphanage people, and
they all walk inside the house.
I
stand there for a minute, debating, then walk towards my house. What
if I walk in right now and ruin the adoption process. What if the
other guy was someone Ananya found to pretend to be me so that she
can get the adoption process through?? Is it even possible? But why
couldn't she just wait till I got out?? Its creepy but that guy
looked a lot like me. Whatever is going on, I think it best to wait
till they leave.
Didn't Soni say her house was closeby? I
should visit her parents. Ask them what Dr. James had told them to
keep them from visiting her.
After
about 15 minutes of walking, I reached 112B. I was surprised I
hadn't seen her around before. But, of course, this is a city. I
bet even her neighbors don’t know each other.
I was about to
open the gate to their home when the front door opened. Guess they
must have seen me through the windows. I stood there expecting to
see one of her parents walk out. But instead, she walks out. Soni.
***
I
stand there stunned. Wasn't she in the facility like an hour ago?
She
looks healthy. Like she put on some healthy weight in the last hour.
And gotten well dressed. She had a handbag and a file in her hand.
She
hadn't noticed me until she absentmindedly closed the door behind her
and walked halfway to the gate. When she saw me, she stopped.
“How
did you get here so fast?” I asked.
“I.... what? Who are
you??” she says.
I stare at her. What the hell! This has got
to be some kind of reality show right?? I bet I dont even have brain
cancer. This was all just some set-up. And, Soni was probably hired
to play... well, Soni. I guess her real name must be something
else.
“Who the fuck are you, and what the fuck do you want?!?”
she said. Her voice rising. Typical Soni.
“Dont
you remember me from IIRN??” I said.
The
look on her face changed. She looked shocked as if I just said
something very sacred.
“Are you one of the staff there? How did
you find my house??” she shouted regaining her composure.
The
reality show must be a big budgeted one. “Soni” must be a good
actress.
“You know what? It's over! I escaped from there, so
whatever this is, just call up the guys and tell them its over!” I
say trying to look unconcerned.
She opens the gate, closes it with
a bang, and walks away. Ignoring me.
“Hey!”
I say moving towards her.
She
spins around and shouts,
“You
follow me, I call the cops!”
I
stand back. She walks away. Then momentarily she turns around to
look at me. I expect her to wink at me. To give me some indication
that I was right about all this being some kind of sick game.
Instead, she gives me a scowl and throws up a middle finger. And
walks on.
Shit!
Now what?? I notice something in my shirt's pocket. To be exact,
Dr. James' shirt's pocket. I take it out. Its a letter. Inside is
a bill of some sort. But what caught my eyes was that it was
addressed to Dr. James. His home address. I knew where I had to go
next.
***
His
home was about 5 km away. Luckily, I was able to get a lift. I
wasn't in a hurry. I might have to wait till he got home. I
realized I didn't even know his work timings. Then I remembered that
this was all just a reality show. Probably they only hired him when
he had a part to play. As I hadn't seen him in a while, so he
probably was at home.
I
find the house. A huge gate with pretty tall walls. An old watchman
sat beside the gate. I walk up to him. The old man had a thick long
mustache that twirled at the edges.
Hes
watching me as I walk towards the gate. I try to ignore him and open
the gate. He jumps up. Pushes me aside and asks me what I wanted.
I told him I wanted to meet “Dr. James.” I regretted it
instantly! Obviously, it wouldn't be his real name! But the
watchmen just nodded his head, then started to say something, but
then started to cough. He quickly ran to the roadside in front of
the house and started spitting out blood. No, its just pan. He was
chewing tobacco. I hesitated for a moment, but then seized the
opportunity, opened the gate and ran in.
***
The
inside was lined with dozens of pots of plants and flowers. They
were all well looked after. I could see 2 luxury cars and a couple
of 2 wheelers. Actors must be well paid these days.
I
hurried to the door and before I can knock, it opened. “Dr. James”
stood there. Looking at me. Without a hint of surprise on his face.
Behind
me, I heard the gate open and the security guy running in, wiping his
mouth with the sleeve of his shirt.
“Its okay, Manju” said
'Dr. James' to the security guy who now had a huge red stain on the
left sleeve of his khakhi uniform.
'Dr.
James' moved aside and motioned me to come in. I did. Not because I
was intimidated. But because I was starting to feel... oozy. Was it
the seizure coming on. Or was it because its been a while since I
ate.
'James,
the actor' shows me to sit on a big cushy chair. I sit down.
Relieved. I could feel my hand starting to shiver. I feel as though
my body has been zapped from energy. I hold both my hands together,
stiff, to stop it.
Dr.
James sits opposite me. I noticed a hint of worry on his face. I
guess he must be the producer or something too. Guess their show
just blew.
“Its over, 'Dr. James.'” I say grinning.
He
sighs and makes himself comfortable in his chair and looks up
thoughtfully at the ceiling and says,
“Joshi,
are you a fan of science fiction movies?”
“What?”
“Sci-fi.
You know, like people traveling to other planets or, you know, time
travel, and such.” he says.
“Ye..
yeah.”
“Have you seen people teleporting? They are in their
spaceship one moment, then they hop into this 'teleporting' machine
and the next moment they are on the surface of the planet, or at
another place.” He looks at me. I look back at him. What the
fuck? But he just continues,
“The
funny part is, no one seems to realize this, but every time someone
'teleports,' they are basically killing themselves. Their bodies are
being disintegrated into data and then the machine rebuilds their
bodies at another place.”
“Why
the hell are you telling me this??” I said. He looks me
thoughtfully, then says,
“I want you to know that this wasn't my
idea. But these... eh... researchers, they pulled some strings.
They said that this was a great opportunity to study the disease...
cancer.” he stopped for a moment, sighed,
“They
actually gave you drugs to 'progress' your cancer.”
***
I
couldn't believe what I was hearing. What the fuck is this??
“But
you said this was supposed to be some procedure to heal me. I didn't
sign up to be a guinea pig!” I shouted. At least I tried to shout,
but my voice was failing me. I feel more weak.
Another pause when
Dr. James looked at me, then at the ceiling, then back at me.
“I
promised you that I was going to try my best. And I did. But it
wasn't my idea that you will be here. You are the corrupted data.”
he says.
Then something clicked. I know it is crazy, but I had to
ask him,
“Did
you clone me? Is that guy with Ananya a clone??”
“No, Joshi.
That guy 'is' you!” Dr. James says. He is now standing up and
looking down at me.
“But I am here. How is it...”
“This
is a project by our space program, Joshi. A very costly one. The
goal was to make teleportation a reality, and we have done it.” he
turns to me. I sit there stunned. He continues,
“Have you
heard about 3D printers printing organs, Joshi?”
I
noded my head. I have.
“We
went a bit ahead. We learned how to scan a human and convert him
into digital data, which then can be used to 'print' the human. But
along the way, we figured out the amazing things this will help us
do. Like we can simply tweak certain things in the data and
completely change the printed result. Removing cancer cells is as
simple as searching a document for a certain word and replacing them
all with something else. The possibilities are many. You can modify
your body the way you want to,” he looks at me. As if I was
supposed to be stunned by all this bullshit. He bends slightly so
that our faces are level, then says,
“Then,
there's immortality.”
***
He
stands there, his eye staring into mine. Was I supposed to say
something?
“How?” I say. He smiles and walks around the room
with his hands behind him saying,
“Think
about it Joshi. If we can convert our bodies into digital data, then
we are never going to be dead. Lets say a man dies in old age, but
luckily we have the data on him. Now, all we need to do is to get
his body as soon as possible and scan his brain. Then we print him
out a new body, but with the memories of his present brain. It like
we just invented how to reincarnate ourselves. But I prefer the word
'immortality'.”
He
once again looks at me with a look of victory on his face and keeps
looking at me as if expecting me to say something.
“I
want to meet my wife.” I blurt out.
“Of
course, you are wondering how everyone can be immortal, right? I
mean, how can the Earth sustain the growth in population with every
passing decade? That's where the teleportation technology gives us
another solution, Mr. Joshi! The future isn't about people flying in
spaceships traveling at the speed of light! Its our 'digitized data'
traveling at the speed of light! Imagine traveling to an Earth like
planet a couple of light years away, but you dont step into a
spaceship, you instead step into a teleportation machine here on
Earth!”
This. Man. is. Crazy.
I
mean, look at his house. Who paints their walls with these freakish
colors? I mean, they are even moving around. What? Is that normal.
Shit!! I am going to have a seizure! Not now! Please!
“You
need to understand, Mr. Joshi, that 'you' are nothing but a corrupted
data. You are the copy that the teleportation device of the future
will destroy after it scans you. You are supposed to be dead. And
pretty soon, you will be.”
My body is now shaking
uncontrollably. Foam in my mouth. A bright light floods the room.
I notice few men in the room and they are getting closer to me. They
all wore the IIRN uniforms.
***
I
struggled to open my eyes. My eyelids are heavy. I find myself on a
hospital bed. A nurse rushes to me. She smiles at me and pushes a
button on the wall and tells me not to sit up. To be careful. She
is pretty. She takes my blood pressure, pricks my finger with a tiny
machine, etc., and writing the results down in my file.
I
feel groggy. I let my hands feel my head. I know Dr. James told me
that this was a procedure done using lasers and there literally will
be no skin incisions, and there weren't any. The door opens and Dr.
James himself walks in.
“Joshi! How are you doing?” He took
the file from the nurse and started looking through it with a
smile.
“A bit weird. May be I should walk around a bit.”
“Yes!
I agree! The procedure was a success, Joshi. You are all well and
fine. Just a day's stay here while we observe you and you can go
home! Of course, you will have to come here once in 2 days for a
simple checkup for a month.”
I nod my head. To say the truth I
dont find all this believable. In the back of my head a voice
whispered to me that once I got out of here, I should go and get
myself tested somewhere else. Just to be sure..
“Alright,
Mr. Joshi. Take some rest. Or walk around the room if you want!”
he said. He started to walk away, then stopped and said,
“Oh! I
will call and let your wife know that she can come visit you now!”
I
lay back down, and remembered the last thing she had told me before I
went in for the procedure,
“I will begin working on those
adoption papers while I wait for your call.”
***
All
this seemed to be too good to be true. So, when I got to go home, I
had gone with Ananya to a hospital and got myself checked out. I
told them that I had brain cancer. But all the results said that I
had no sign of cancer. The doctor talked to Ananya alone asking that
I be taken for psychiatric counseling.
As days went by, we
went ahead with the adoption proceedings. I remember the day Diya
was brought to our house. It was a weird day because I saw someone.
Someone who looked like me. I swear. Except may be a bit pale and
malnourished. And then the IIRN guys had showed up a few hours early
to pick me up for my routine tests, and I completely forgot about
him.
Sometimes
I wonder if I am the same guy after the 'procedure' that I was
before. I mean, sometimes I dont remember things from my past.
Sometimes when Ananya talks about the time we spent together
somewhere, I couldn't remember it. Its like it never happened. I
feel as though I was never really there with her. Sometimes,
memories are all jumbled up. But I have learned to pretend like I
remember. For her. Ananya. I have learned to pretend to be
'Joshi,' even though I know that the procedure killed a part of me.
The part which was the real 'Joshi.'
***
THE
END.
- Rejo John.
Future Works:
March 29th: Mr. C from the short story Mr. C visits another person on his "Interested Person's List" with some cunning agendas. [PUBLISHED: Mr. C meets Dennis]
April 4th: Two investigators who made a fool of themselves in a paranormal TV show is forced to investigate the curious case of a haunted floor in a multistoryed building.
Other Suggested Stories:
The Man Who Stole... A man is saved after an accident and is cared for at an old age home. But its soon apparent that there is something off about this man.
