Thursday, January 20, 2011

"I need some sleep." - Rejo_John

“I have an ulcer in my mouth.  One of those perfectly oval-shaped ones.  It all starts with a tiny, pinpoint hole in your cheek or from a simple accidental bite.  You dont think much about it.  You know its gonna go away.  It would just heal.  You go to bed, you wake up and tongue at it, and it shoots a lightening bolt of pain into your mouth.  Its gotten bigger.

Why is that all the girls I have a crush on somehow find me revolting?   Sometimes its as if my life is a screenplay written by one of those Bollywood screenwriters.  I like a girl = the girl hates me.  You would think, so I would forget the girl, move on with my life, things are back to normal, the end, right?

The little bugger takes over your life.  You can't eat, you can't talk, you can't even move your tongue.  Its almost like you are possessed.  Possessed by this little devil that just stays hidden in your mouth, making every moment of you life a practical living hell.  Suddenly you become very quiet and people start to suspect.  What is wrong with this guy?  To makes things worse, you just can't stop tonguing it even though it sends waves after waves of pain.

All I can think about is her.  It almost like you aren't here anymore.  Everything gets put on autopilot.  You are going about your life as you normally are, but you just aren't behind the wheels.  You eat, but you don't remember what you had for breakfast.  You don't remember if you had your lunch.  She has taken over your mind.  You keep thinking about her.  Its like your mind has made this special edition video of all the time you had seen her and talked to her, and just goes on playing it time after time after time in the background.  You try to focus on what you are doing, but your mind manages to slip away and you find yourself staring at the picture of her.

You can't eat with that ulcer in your mouth, at least not like you used to.  Eat anything spicy and it starts to sting.  It would get you so frustrated, you feel like grabbing a pair of scissors and just slicing it right off.  You are hungry.  You are tired.  All you want is to sleep.  You tell yourself, a good sleep will help your body heal the ulcer.  But you can't sleep.  For some reason, you keep tonguing it.  The pain keeps you awake.

You wish there was a mechanism to just turn your mind off.  You try counting back from 100 to 0.  You hardly make it to 90 before you find yourself thinking about her.  You toss around in your bed, tired, wishing it would all just go away.  They say you must be careful about what you think before you go to sleep.  Apparently this is the time when your conscious mind is the least active.  Meaning, you can give yourself suggestions in the form of images that are wrapped in sweet emotions and your subconscious mind turns into a sucker for this.  Well in that case, thinking about her before going to sleep isn't going to make things at all better.

Day #5 of the horrible infliction.  The ulcer has not only have gotten bigger, but there are many more now.  Apparently, the first one didn't let me eat well, which actually made things worse.  Life is as usual on the outside, everybody going on about their routine things, but for you.. for you, things have turned gloomy.  You know how it is when you grab one of those cheap shades from a toddler and try it on.  The world seems to have lost its charm, you are just staring at a black and white picture.  You are lying there on your bed, hungry, weak, frustrated, and all you have to keep you company are these damn ulcers.

You drag yourself to a theater.  May be a movie will help you get her off your mind.  You walk into the theater and try to find a seat.  You dont remember the last time you ate, or the last time you had a good night's sleep.  You almost topple over some steps.  When you don't sleep, you start to see stuff that aren't there and hear stuff that aren't there.  You start to walk strange, almost as if you are drunk.  The movie begins.  You try to concentrate, but your eyes are so damn heavy, and it hurts.  Then you see her on-screen.  You aren't surprised.  You are so very tired that your mind doesn't recognize the strangeness.  You see her kissing another man.  But a few seconds later, she pushes him away and declares, “I can't love you because I am in love with that man!”  She points at you.  Your eyes are half closed.  You jump up when you hear laughter all around.  Why are they laughing? Did you do something stupid.  You realize it isn’t you they are laughing at.  It was the movie.  You look back at the screen.  She is no longer there.  She was never there.  You need to concentrate on the movie you tell yourself.  You try hard, a prominent frown on your scalp. But your eyes – they are so heavy, so tired.  You just want to sleep.

All I have to do is to stop tonguing the ulcers.  But I just can't.”

- Rejo_John

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